I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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