I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
