all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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