That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
