Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
