dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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