Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
