So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
