i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
