I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
