Just fell off a train. Bad.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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