Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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