Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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