why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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