you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
