She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
