The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
