And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
