Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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