I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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