a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
