i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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