Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
