i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just want nice things and good sex
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
