woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
