i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
