im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
