Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
As shirtless as possible
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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