He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
what day is it and did you see me today?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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