My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Farmville is her only friend.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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