Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
