I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My liver just had a heart attack.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
