she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
