I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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