I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
