and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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