Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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