guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
