Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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