He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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