You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
