Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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