Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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