Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
