party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
