There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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