I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Randomize
