I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
