I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
