It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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