Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
