totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
