Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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