My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
